Why I Hate Diablo Cody.

Okay, I knew the title would get some of you. I can see you, your shoulders all hunched up, glaring at your screen, going "what the fuck? What kind of stupid bitch hates Diablo Cody?"

You know, maybe 1 out of the 8 of you following me.

I don't hate Diablo Cody. Fear not. She just bothers the hell out of me 99 percent of the time.

Backing up, let me just say that I'm super picky about my independent movies. I give them a chance a lot of the time because one of my favorite movies of all time was not only indie, but b-grade horror and Canadian (Ginger Snaps). And I went into it thinking I was going to laugh.

That said, I hate pretentious indie movies. Donnie Darko made me want to stab myself in the face. It's such a self-important piece of crap. If you want something similiar to it but not as obnoxious, rent The Chumscrubber. It's got a much better cast of characters, and it actually says something. And there's no weirdo in a rabbit suit.

I also hated Napoleon Dynamite. Yes, you read that right. Hated. Hated hated. I sat there the entire movie and didn't laugh once. His voice, his words. They were just... dumb. It was like everyone was trying way too hard.

And that's what Diablo Cody does. She tries, way too hard.

Take Juno, which I'm actually watching right now. I love this movie, but some of the dialogue, you just.. you want to hurt someone. Diablo Cody does what I call "trying to make fetch happen". (If you're wondering where I got that, watch Mean Girls) She keeps trying to create her own little language and slang and it just. doesn't. work. Stop trying, Diablo. You'll never make "fetch" happen.

I surprised myself by liking Juno, and the tv show United States of Tara, which is a downgraded Diablo-verse. I don't want to stab things half the time when they talk. They sound fairly normal on that show, so I can deal.

And then.. Jennifer's Body. I wanted to hate Jennifer's Body. It looked like a stupid teen slasher flick with Megan Fox playing... herself.

And she does.. play herself, in my opinion. But I loved the damn movie, and I watch it all the time. But again, she keeps trying with her lingo!

Next up, apparently Diablo's tackling Sweet Valley High. We'll see where that goes...

Sorry about the lack of postage, guys. Stuff makes sense in my head and then when I write it, it eats the big one. Like now I'm having second thoughts about this post. But I'm hitting publish before I can delete it.